Putting myself out there

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Four words my parents never expected to hear: “I’m getting a tattoo.” I think they thought I was joking. Many of my friends probably wouldn’t have believed me either.

Back in December, a couple of my friends received their undergraduate degrees, and the “group” spent the weekend celebrating before we left school for winter break. One night we got sucked into a whirlwind of nostalgia and sentiment, and somehow we started talking about a group tattoo idea. This kind of suggestion would normally have been pushed aside with a couple laughs, except we unanimously loved this specific idea. What was only a joke for maybe two minutes quickly became a seriously considered plan.

“Do you like Lord of the Rings?” That’s the first thing I ask when people inquire about my tattoo. Yes, not only have I permanently doctored my body, but I have gone as far as to brand myself with something nerdy. Well, my group of friends loves LOTR. Loves = mildly obsessed. It’s one of the many things with which we connect.

“Friend” — this is what my tattoo says. Well technically it says “mellon,” which is the elvish word for friend. Yes, I know this doesn’t help the nerd situation, but hey…this is me; this is us. Below is a script version of the word. One of my friends stylized it for us, so ours varies a bit; I think this makes ours a little more special.

So “friend.” Six of us got the tattoo at once, but more are still to join. The permanence factor of a tattoo has always scared me. And the idea of permanently binding myself to a group of people is even scarier. So for me, although I truly believe our friendship will endure, I needed a broader, more profound reason behind my tattoo; to accept permanence, there must not be regrets.

My tattoo is a reminder that I’m not alone — that I am loved more than I’ll probably ever know; I have friends and a family that I can depend on and that care about me. It is a reminder that I need to show my friends that they are special; I need to listen to their stories. It is a reminder of trust, dedication, dependency, loyalty, honesty, humility and commitment. I hope it will hold me accountable, and I hope my friends will too.

Another one of my guilty pleasures is ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy. There’s an episode in season five where Meredith and Derek have been together for a long time and want to make their relationship official with marriage. Unfortunately on the day they planned, the hospital was too busy for them to make it to city hall. Because a marriage commitment is so important to them, they decide to “marry” themselves, right there in the hospital and write their vows on a post-it note. They promise “to love each other even when [they] hate each other…no running, no matter what.” Whenever the couple is going through a tough time, they pause the fights and say, “Post-it.” In this moment they remember the vows they made to each other. As silly of analogy as this may be, I feel like my tattoo is a “post-it” reminder for me — to dedicate myself to my friends and family relationships; to be my best self and to love them like they deserve…even when I hate them.

I got my tattoo on my wrist, which is a frequently visible part of my body. A lot of people advise you to get a tattoo somewhere you can hide it, but that was something that felt strange to me. Not the idea of concealing your tattoo, but feeling the need to hide it. I took the decision to get a tattoo seriously, and for me this was something that I didn’t want to hide.

Like many people in this world, sometimes I struggle with self-confidence and public image. Too often am I concerned with how someone might judge me for my outer appearance. Although I think a positive public image is important, especially for someone in my field, I believe a confident self-image is equally important. It is essential that I love and fully accept myself, including something as taboo as a tattoo.

We all have a story to tell.

My tattoo is an opportunity for me to openly share, to not feel ashamed about my love for nerdy things and to publicly admit that I have a group of people that I care about deeply. It is an opportunity for me to proudly and confidently show people a part of “Tori.”

This is one of my favorite quotes:

“The world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark.”

It came from Kevin Breel‘s TEDx talk “Confessions of a Depressed Comic.” I found it through one of my favorite organizations: To Write Love on Her Arms. The organization has had a big part in shaping my self-image.

This leap of self-expression gives me a chance to embrace all that makes up Tori — the light and the dark. Sometimes I still struggle with showing the messy parts of me, but it’s important for me to accept that all of me is beautiful. My tattoo gives me a push to fully embrace all my quirks.

Tattoos may never be something everyone will agree on, but we can all relate to self-expression.

My parents have never been thrilled about tattoos, so initially I was a little nervous to tell them. Surprisingly they took the news well. They understand dedicated relationships and are glad I’ve found a group of people I can count on and that love me despite my imperfections — just like they do.

This wasn’t a shotgun decision by any means. As a group we have meditated on this commitment for almost half a year. I spent months drawing the design on myself to ensure I was happy with the placement and permanence. Even though at first it was a shock when my body art really couldn’t be washed off, I am satisfied with my decision. If I’m having a stressful day or feeling discouraged, I get a glimpse of my wrist and smile; my reminder sets in, and I know that everything is going to be okay. But you know what’s great? Even in the moments when things aren’t okay, I know I will be.

As someone who is afraid of needles, I somehow ended up with a tattoo. Sure, sometimes I look at it and think, “I hope future employers don’t mind,” or “this will sure look interesting when I’m wrinkly.” But more than that, I’ve decided on a piece of my personal brand. Tori is a bit of a nerd. Tori values relationships and trust. Tori is intentional. Although the future may be ambiguous, the permanence of friendship and love will be a constant in my life.

So here I am putting myself out there — with ink.